Wakefield Read online

  EARLY BIRD BOOKS

  FRESH EBOOK DEALS, DELIVERED DAILY

  BE THE FIRST TO KNOW—

  NEW DEALS HATCH EVERY DAY!

  Wakefield

  A Novel

  Andrei Codrescu

  Imagination, in the proper meaning of the term,

  made no part of Wakefield’s gifts.

  —NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, “Wakefield,” 1835

  PROLOGUE

  Late in the Twentieth Century

  One day the Devil shows up. “I’ve come to take you.”

  “I’m not ready,” says Wakefield.

  “Why not? You don’t have any reason to live.”

  Wakefield is scandalized. “Are you crazy? What kind of a thing is that to say to a man in the prime of life?”

  “You’re a failure. Time to die.” The Devil is bored. He has this argument what, six, seven times a day? Nobody welcomes death. They are ready for it, they need it, but when it comes right down to it, they won’t go.

  “What do you mean, a failure? I’m quite well respected.”

  “Awright,” sighs Satanik, “I’ll play the game. Why do you want to stay? Worried about the people you’d leave behind?”

  “I have no interest in people,” Wakefield pronounces haughtily, drawing himself up and looking down on the thinning fur between the horns of the Unholy One, who’s actually fairly short. “I just want to be left alone.” He tries to slam the door in the Devil’s face, but the Devil’s got a hoof in it.

  “Okay, so you’re a loner. No loved ones, no next of kin, no pets. Nothing to live for but a few bad habits.”

  “That’s not what I said. I’ve got lots of friends.” Wakefield sounds doubtful. “My daughter Margot would probably be very upset.…”

  The Devil sees an easy shot and takes it. “Don’t kid yourself, buddy. You haven’t seen your daughter in years, we both know that. Tell the truth, what’s the real reason you want to stick around?” The bit about the daughter is unfair. He talks to Margot on the phone every two weeks. He’s not a model father, but he’s no deadbeat.

  “Well, actually, there’s some reading I’d like to do,” Wakefield improvises, gesturing to the crammed bookshelves that line the walls of his garret.

  That’s a real thigh-slapper. “You can read when you’re disembodied, nothing to stop you, but I haven’t got all day. You’ve read enough already to know how it works.”

  Wakefield does know how it works, in books. You keep the conversation going. Keep the Devil talking until you find a way out.

  “It’s like this. I honestly wasn’t expecting to see you. Couldn’t you give me another chance?” Wakefield puts on his most sincere expression. “I’ve had this feeling for a while, you know, like I went wrong somewhere, like maybe I should have lived a different life.”

  “O sole mio! I hate the bookish ones. It ain’t like reincarnation, friend. I don’t know anyone who thinks they’ve lived the right life, they all think it’s been some kind of dream. I have only one question: do you believe in me?”

  This is important to the Diablo. He’s obligated by an ancient professional code to give believers another chance. Unbelievers he just scoops up and closes the book. If you don’t like it, contest it in court. The afterlife is one long hearing.

  “Oh, I believe in you, don’t get me wrong. I read somewhere that there is a black hole at the center of the universe, some kind of super-massive gravity not even light can escape from. That’s you, right?”

  “Sure, that’s me. There are a lot of us, actually.”

  “So don’t you have to give me another chance, if I believe?”

  El Malefico rolls his eyes at the stars, where his dark-bearded masters sit around the fire eating the souls he’s brought them.

  “Don’t tell me, you got that from a book, too.”

  “Yeah, well. What do you say? Can’t we make some special arrangement? I’m not the most demanding of men, to quote Frank O’Hara.”

  The Devil’s lower back is beginning to bother him, standing in a drafty doorway like this. “You think I could sit down for a minute, pal? I’m under no obligation, you understand, but we could, perhaps, discuss your request.”

  That’s more like it, thinks Wakefield, ushering in his guest. “Maybe I could get you a drink? I know I could use one. What’ll it be?”

  “Scotch,” grunts the Devil, easing himself into a plump leather armchair.

  The cell phone in Wakefield’s pocket has been vibrating at intervals throughout this unusual encounter. While he prepares the drinks, he listens to his messages. There’s one from his lecture agent, urging him to take a gig for half his usual fee; his friend Ivan (his only friend), inviting him to a poker game; his broker, trying to sell him shares in a new IPO; and his ex-wife, Marianna, who wants to talk about their daughter. Wakefield pours his own drink extra deep.

  The Devil, meanwhile, is checking out Wakefield’s digs. The guy’s got good taste for a schmo, he thinks, admiring the Murano chandelier, the faded kilims, the three fake netsuke in pornographic poses on the mantelpiece, next to a few family photos: a woman with bouffant, a man in Sunday suit, a boy with baseball bat. Bought at the flea market, like most families these days. He’s got a soft spot for fakes. The Devil himself has a collection of family photos from the offices of middle-aged men he’s collected at their desks. He had taken the men first; then, for his own pleasure, their family pictures. Invariably, these turned out to be fakes, props, simulacra of real families, which is what made them desirable in his world, where value is based entirely on the differential between the fake and the genuine. The bigger the lie, the greater the value. The phony photos left no doubt he’d scooped up the right souls.

  “I think you’ll enjoy this whiskey,” says Wakefield, returning with their drinks. “It’s a single malt, a gift from one of my fans.” He takes a seat opposite the Dark One, who sips the scotch and nods his approval.

  “I haven’t been the best host, have I,” Wakefield goes on, “just talking about myself, what I want, and so on. What about you? It can’t be easy, wandering the earth, always on call—” Wakefield’s phone vibrates again, and the buzz is audible in the quiet room.

  “Turn that damned thing off, will you? Noise drives me crazy,” the Devil growls, swallowing the rest of his whiskey in one gulp.

  “You’re the one with supernatural powers, you turn it off,” blurts Wakefield, forgetting his manners.

  “I’m sorry to disappoint you,” the Devil says apologetically, “but I have no power over cell phones, computers, cable TV, satellite communications, or microwaves. No, it’s true, really. Things used to be more simple, more fun. I enjoyed a frivolous and pleasant existence as a beloved, comic, quasifictional character. It was great—classic literature, opera, ballet …” He sighs deeply, then leans closer to Wakefield.

  “Then one year I went from being revived at the Bolshoi to being deified by Khomeini and Falwell. Since then it’s been a mess. A bunch of religious freaks spouting tacky rhetoric, demanding apocalypse-size work. I don’t want to play World Ender for these lunatics. I was looking forward to a lighter quota, maybe some R & R in the arms of a kinkishly altered soprano. And now you’re giving me shit?”

  Wakefield is astonished by this outpouring. Who knew the Devil had such middle-age problems? Poor old Pan, weeping in his mossy cave as the blinding light of a neon cross invades his darkness and his joy. Wakefield, too, regrets the passing of the pagan era, and could almost hug the Old Goat, but he’s got a deal to make.

  “How would you like an opportunity to cut down your workload and postpone some of that heavy eschatological lifting? Give me a chance to find my true life. If I succeed—and you’ll be the judge of that, of course—I get to go on living. If I fail … well, you do
what you have to do. It would be a hell of a lot more relaxing than smiting and scourging on a massive scale.”

  The Devil is tempted. In his profession, gambling is the only way to pass eternity, which just doesn’t pass and is subject to multiple interpretations and migraines.

  “How long do you figure this business will take?” the Dark One asks, putting his hooves up on the low table.

  “Oh, I don’t know.…” Wakefield pretends to calculate. “A year, maybe. Two years, max.”

  The Devil is toying with his empty whiskey glass. Wakefield fetches the bottle from the kitchen and pours them another stiff one.

  “It would have to involve some travel, you know. You can’t just stay in this apartment and luxuriate. Nice place, by the way.”

  “No problem,” Wakefield hastily agrees, “I travel a lot in any case.” The sucker’s going for it, he congratulates himself.

  The Devil falls silent, savoring the second whiskey. He closes his tired yellow eyes, and for a moment Wakefield imagines he’s asleep, until he grunts and his eyes flutter open.

  “And you’d have to bring me something from every place you go.”

  “Bring you something? Like what, a souvenir, something valuable, some kind of sacrifice?” He’s trying to be cooperative.

  “Can’t say, really. Something you think I’d like. Could be anything.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want something more abstract? Isn’t it customary to take my soul in this kind of exchange? That’s how it works in Faust, The Master and Margarita, all the classic texts.”

  “Give me a break!” the Devil groans. “I’m drowning in souls. It’s a buyer’s market. Look out that window and see for yourself?”

  A line of young women stretches out of sight down the sidewalk. Wakefield knows what they’re waiting for. A famous director is shooting a movie in his neighborhood, and the girls are there to audition. The director has already cast the role; the audition is just a way for the old guy to get some nookie. Wakefield sees the Devil’s point.

  “So you really don’t want my soul?”

  “You’re assuming, dear sir, that you have one, but whether you do or you don’t, I don’t want it. I want a thing, pure thingness, something that proves you found this so-called true life. Beyond that, the vortex of terror and self-doubt my simple request has created in you is adequate compensation. We have a deal, Mr. Wakefield, if you agree to these terms. I’ll give you one year. It’s an outlandish opportunity, but now that my existence has been proved by the discovery of black holes, I can afford to be a little generous.”

  Wakefield considers the practical aspects of his journey. “What about all the people who depend on me? My ex-wife, our daughter, the credit card companies, the people listed in my cell phone?”

  “They won’t even notice that you’re gone.”

  “So when would this spiritual scavenger hunt begin?” Wakefield asks, sounding more relaxed than he feels.

  “You must listen for the sound of the starter pistol,” says the Devil supermysteriously, holding up his empty glass, “but for now, you can pour me another drink.”

  PART ONE

  OLD QUARTER

  Wakefield lives alone in the old quarter of an indulgent port city known for its vigorous nightlife. It is in fact nighttime now, a rainy night about ten o’clock, and Wakefield has just concluded his deal with the Devil. Energized by that encounter, he grabs an umbrella and, as is his habit, heads for the corner bar, his home away from home. He bumps into a mob of tourists obstructing the sidewalk. They are clustered around a caped guide, leader of a ghost tour. They look sad, wet, lost, and a little scared. Adhesive badges identify them as members of the group so that nonpaying customers can’t attach themselves to the tour for free.

  All the tour guides in the city have their own stories, and ghosts to go with them, and they are fiercely, even combatively, competitive. Rumbles can break out between the costumed guides, and often do: silk-caped vampires attack other silk-caped vampires, and tourists sometimes get hurt in the process. Ordinarily, Wakefield avoids these groups like the plague that they are. This guide seems to be pointing directly at him, but Wakefield knows that the gesture is meant for the building behind him, the city’s first icehouse, now a hotel where the ghosts of Confederate soldiers make frequent appearances. Some of the tourists have rooms in the hotel and yelp with delight at the guide’s revelations. Others stare at Wakefield as if he is a ghost. He evades the gawkers and quickly arrives at his destination.

  Ivan Zamyatin, Russian émigré cabdriver and unknown American philosopher, is sitting at his usual post in the bar, at a window open to the street yet shielded from the rain. He can be found in this place most evenings after five; the bar is his living room, just as his taxicab is his office.

  Wakefield closes his dripping umbrella and takes the stool next to Zamyatin’s. “Have you ever read any Hawthorne?” Wakefield asks his friend by way of greeting.

  “I know The House of the Seven Gables, and the story ‘Young Goodman Brown,’ about this poor young man who meets the Devil in the forest and there is a witches’ sabbath and everyone in town is involved.…”

  “No, not that one. There’s this other story, about a guy who leaves his wife and home and everyone thinks he’s dead but he shows up again after twenty years, no explanation, no questions asked.”

  Zamyatin scratches one of the luxuriant sideburns that descend from his bald pate.

  “In Russia, if someone disappears, everyone knows what happened. KGB picks him up and ships him to Siberia, if they don’t kill him on the spot.”

  Wakefield gives his friend a sideways look. “That’s not the point. This guy was living in England, a democratic country, where they respect privacy and the rights of individuals. He wanted to split, and he did it, and then he came back. Period, end of story.”

  Ivan is not impressed by people who disappear voluntarily, having himself been disappeared by the State, first for six months in a mental institute. After that experience, he had worked for five years below the Arctic Circle, but he didn’t regard that quasisolitary episode as a “disappearance.” It was more like a gradual reentry into the world. In America, he had purposefully shed his taste for solitude.

  “You know,” he says, looking deeply into his vodka, “I smoke in restaurants, park my taxi by fire hydrants, talk to everyone I meet. I leave many clues, so people can say, ‘Ivan was just here a minute ago, I gave him a parking ticket, I talked to him at the bar, he’s alive, he’s okay!’ Not like Russia, where it’s poof! Gone in a New York minute.”

  Wakefield is silenced for a few minutes by this undeniable wisdom, typical of Zamyatin.

  “The Devil showed up today,” he finally says, knowing he can trust Ivan with anything, no matter how absurd.

  “What you talking about, the devil!” Ivan looks disgusted. “Don’t be stupid. We Russians are sick of the devil, he did enough for us already. I come here to get away from devils. You a rich American, not too ugly, you have money to eat out, go to a show, anything you want. What you need the devil for, or God, or any of that stuff?”

  Zamyatin has no time for devils. He’s too busy leaving his mark on everything, filling space with smoke, noise, lewdness, strangers. If a witch tries to eat him, all the people he met (maybe just once, but marked real good) will come to his defense.

  Wakefield is quite a busy man himself. He is a travel writer and a lecturer on almost any topic, including travel. He often lectures in places he’s already written about, giving the natives a quaint “outsider” perspective on their familiar world. Maintaining a trademark naïveté, he will discourse on anything: life, money, art, or architecture.

  His subjects are not at all academic to Wakefield. He has lived what he considers an interesting life, and his observations are based on experience. He feels that his insights make people better human beings somehow and that he’s contributing to the common good, and his casual air of knowing whereof he speaks gives him authority,
so people trust that under the skin of the studious traveler there lies a beating heart. He’s even developed a reputation as a “motivational speaker,” though not a typical one, far from it. He’s not the type who helps people find their inner selves through juggling, for instance. There is something about Wakefield’s point of view that is quite dark, even dispiriting, making it hard sometimes for his audiences to finish the salad, to say nothing of the infamous “convention chicken.”

  The lecture business pays well: employers shell out a fortune to “motivate” workers, with the result that most employees are over-motivated and radiate so much positive energy that their companies are forced to grow to provide new (sometimes fictitious) outlets to contain this boundless enthusiasm. Some shrewd CEOs quietly seek out realists, even pessimists, to temper the aggressive good cheer. Wakefield’s brand of motivation uniquely fits this latter need, and his schedule has become very busy.

  “How is the lecture biz?” Zamyatin asks, dismissing the devil from the conversation.

  “Terrific, actually. There is a shortage of nonpositive points of view,” Wakefield explains, “so it’s a seller’s market. I’ve heard that corporations are even importing speakers from ex-communist countries where a nonpositive perspective is the norm, correct me if I’m wrong. Unfortunately, you imports don’t speak English too good and that makes it difficult for you to convey your bleak beliefs to a large audience. You could make a mint, Ivan, if only you were more intelligible.”

  Ivan is used to Wakefield’s provocations, but still he bristles. “What’s wrong with my English? Anyway, no fat cats want to hear what I think: everything is shit. That’s ‘nonpositive,’ okay, but you should also be happy anyway, and that’s optimism.” He turns away from Wakefield and shouts, “Beautiful bartenderess, two vodkas, if you wouldn’t mind!”

  “Optimism,” Zamyatin continues, “was the official product of communism, but the people couldn’t eat optimism, so they became pessimists. God forbid such a thing should happen in America! We produce enough to feed everyone and we need pessimists to make us feel okay about not being hungry. Here are the vodkas!”